It's not even spring yet and I'm busy thinking about summer. More specifically, I'm thinking about summer camp.
When I was my youngest daughter's age, I found myself preparing for my first camp experiences with church and dance groups. I didn't know what to expect and the anxiety was unbearable. My only understanding of "camp" was what I had learned from TV and movies. I grew up in the 80's and early 90's and there was plenty of media to shape my impression of what camp should be.
My expectations were a little skewed.
My actual camp experiences came up lacking by comparison, but memories were made and I figured out who my real friends were. There were no panty-raids, but there were snakes, outhouses, sing-a-longs, and cookouts. Among my most memorable experiences is my reason for an intense fear of veggie peelers. I was racing a couple of campers to see who could peel potatoes the fastest and may have misunderstood the goal. At least I won the finger-tip peeling race!
(I still have the scar.)
What church camp looked like
What church camp felt like
Dance tour wasn't much different.
(You see the only dark-skinned kid in the upper corner of that last photo?
Yeah, that's awkward teen me. If it doesn't get better, it gets consistent, kids.)
This summer, my kids will be attending their first camp. The girls were granted scholarships to a remarkable performing arts camp in New York (I'm not telling you where exactly or which session because you are the internet and I am a protective mother.) and we are now trying to prepare them for their first flight without a parent or guardian and 3 weeks without us. Luckily, they've endured many flights and they don't suffer from motion sickness. If they made it to New Zealand and back with us, I have to have faith that they can make it to New York without us. Abe and I are working ourselves harder than ever to try to save enough to pick them up after camp and fly home with them. We've got some time, but we don't want to get caught with last minute booking fees, so the sooner we figure this all out, the better.
Have a favorite camp story or a recommendation for camp gear? I want to hear it! Do you own a business that makes camp supplies? We'd love to do a demo and review for you!
(TRIGGER WARNING: If the details of my fertility struggle will be triggering for you, skip down to the next section of this post.)
In Spring of 2011, my body started going through what I can only call a metamorphosis. Scars that I had been told would never heal began to do just that. I regained feeling in nerves that had been severed years earlier. Short version: Things got weird for me, medically speaking.
After a 6 month wait to get in for a consultation with the leading fertility doctor in Utah, I went through a battery of tests and was told that I could have another baby. This was a huge shock because my husband and I had been told that we absolutely could not have any more children after our daughter's birth in 2003. Abraham and I discussed it and realized that one of the communication issues we had been having within our marriage stemmed from never discussing how we felt about being told we couldn't have more kids after J's birth. This painful conversation finally happened and we were able to admit to ourselves and to each other that we both wanted another child.
Emotionally, our marriage had suffered some pretty hard blows. We continued therapy (note: we each had our own therapist) and after another 6 months, we determined that we were emotionally healthy enough to attempt a pregnancy. The following months were just awful. They were littered with positive pregnancy tests followed by negative ones. I had multiple miscarriages and we couldn't figure out why. With heavy hearts, we returned to the fertility specialist I had seen before.
The specialist referred us to another specialist. We jumped through insurance hoops and started fertility treatments. Skipping over a great number of details, I conceived again in March 2012. 4 eggs; 3 that looked promising. I was terrified. Sure, they had said I could survive another pregnancy... but nobody had said anything about whether or not I could survive a pregnancy with triplets. I knew going into fertility treatments meant that my risk for a multiple birth was greatly increased and I had prepared myself mentally for the potential of twins. Triplets hadn't been on my radar. When all four eggs failed to thrive, I didn't expect to be so upset. It was a confusing and painful time.
Within a week of that loss, I was on a plane to Costa Rica to serve as an Artist in Residency at the Sloth Sanctuary. I found time during my stay to lick my wounds and gather my strength again. When I returned home, I told my fertility specialist that I would not be doing any more treatments.
Where Acupuncture Stepped In:
I've been seeing Brighton at Utah Family Acupuncture and Herbs off and on for pain relief treatments and assistance with my weak immune system for years. During my fertility treatments, though, I had stayed away. I was scared and my specialist had told me that she worried acupuncture would negatively impact my ability to successful carry to term.
Now that I had decided not to do any more treatments, though, acupuncture was back on the table. I wanted to focus on getting myself back to my pre-fertility treatment self. What people don't tend to realize unless they've struggled with fertility is that it's a battle that can destroy your body and leave you feeling unbalanced. I had packed on 40 lbs and felt like I had lost a lot of muscle mass. I started going back to Weight Watchers meetings, joined a local gym, hiked whenever I could with my family, and made appointments with Brighton.
River rafting with the family for my birthday in June 2012
About a month later, the whole family got sick. A weird summer flu had hit. As Abe and the girls started feeling better, I realized that I never had the flu: I was pregnant. I called my fertility specialist who confirmed the pregnancy and wanted me to come back a few weeks later to see if this one would last. She put me on blood thinners for my blood condition and I decided to keep seeing Brighton.
Throughout my many failed pregnancies, I had developed a sense of when things were about to fall apart. I'd start feeling weak and weepy and then my HCG levels would stop increasing. This time, every time I felt like my body couldn't hold together much longer, I'd see Brighton. This pregnancy was high risk and had every opportunity to fail (see here for more details) but I made it through and my beautiful little boy just celebrated his first birthday.
I'm not a doctor and I can't say that acupuncture will be your magic bullet, but I know that it helped me. I know that when I faced each hurdle, my acupuncture appointments helped me hold together. When we discovered that I was allergic to Zofran, I didn't know how I would be able to avoid another miscarriage. I was so sick and so dehydrated... but acupuncture helped. Every time my body started to fail me, I'd schedule an appointment, focus on staying hydrated with as much water as I could keep down, and I'd rest. I will forever be grateful for the friends and family that stepped up to help take care of my dogs, my house, my daughters... everything... so I could focus on this pregnancy. My daughters were amazing. I could not have done this without their support.
You won't see a bajillion Groupon or Living Social offers for this clinic, but the prices are fair and the service and attention given to each patient cannot be beat. Brighton legitimately cares about every single person she treats. I hope you'll visit her and see what I mean.
Disclaimer: Though I know Brighton personally, I have not been paid or given any incentive for this review. Brighton has not asked for this referral. This post is a response to the questions I have been asked by TTC couples. It is my attempt to be forthcoming with any information that may be helpful in their journey.
For anyone struggling with fertility: My heart goes with you. I cannot say that I understand your struggle because I believe that each person feels that grief in a personal way. What I can say is that I know that you are hurting and it is so hard to find peace. It is my sincerest wish that no matter what outcome you ultimately experience, that peace will find you and hold you close. I acknowledge that the positive outcome that my family has met will sting for some of you. I'm so sorry for that.
In honor of our Lil B's first birthday, we have compiled our top 10 list of the best baby shower gifts for a cloth diapering family based on our own experience and from a poll we conducted with other cloth diapering families. We are so excited to be able to include our blog's first giveaway with this post!
1. Cloth Diapers, of course!
There are many varieties and brands of diapers. If your friend doesn't have any on her registry (or doesn't have a registry), you can't really go wrong with opting for a pocket diaper that can be washed and dried in the machine. This is particularly helpful in climates that don't always support line drying. Though we love to line dry diapers, Utah winters don't make it possible year round.
We have absolutely loved our Glow Bug Diapers! Glow Bug offers great bundles for very reasonable prices and they don't take much time to wash, dry, or prep. We haven't experienced any major leaks or blow outs and can happily report that after a year of use, our Glow Bugs are still going strong!
Glow Bug's website offers helpful tips and explanations for first time cloth users. If you have questions about how many diapers you/your friend will need or how to wash them, Glow Bug has the answers you need.
2. Cloth Diaper detergent
Cloth diapers require diaper safe detergent. My favorite is Rockin' Green. Check back with them each season - they sometimes offer exclusive scents! Last summer they featured a Barry Mango-lo (mango scented) detergent that I love. I hope they've got something new and exciting like that for this summer because I'm almost out of my Mango-lo (even though I bought 3 bags).
Rockin' Green has fantastic scents and can be used for much more than just cloth diapers. I use it for all of my son's clothes and many of my own. We use it for blankets and soft toys, too. A cute way to wrap this up is to include some clothes pins and a cheap clothesline (something like this). Wrap the clotheslines all around the bag of detergent (or box if you're using a different cloth-friendly detergent like BumGenius) and then pop a cute little pin up at the top. You can wrap the whole thing in cellophane if that floats your boat, but it's not necessary. See item 4 for an even better idea. Another great tie-in for this gift would be a water testing strip. Knowing how hard your water is can be very important when washing cloth diapers.
(Rockin' Green offers Military and First Responder discounts!)
3. The Diaper Sprayer and Spray Pal
Every now and again there is a diaper so tremendous that it requires special help. Now before y'all start with the "That's why I don't want to use cloth!" nonsense, let me just say this: It's the same with disposables. When your babe is completed covered in something that must have weighed more than they do, it's a mess and it requires a bit of effort to clean it up. When that happens, you can muddle through with wipes or you can use the most remarkable diaper cleaning combo I've ever seen.
I was so excited to share this shower gift with you that I contacted the makers of the Spray Pal and they graciously offered to give away a free Spray Pal to one lucky reader! Thank you, Spray Pal!
For the rest of you, you can find their bundle that includes both the Spray Pal and a diaper sprayer HERE. To enter the giveaway, use the form at the bottom of this post.
4. The gift wrap that keeps on giving: The Wet Bag
There are many reasons for cloth diapering, but one of the most prominent is to reduce waste and protect the environment. Rather than spending any of your gift budget on wrapping that will be thrown away, try to think of ways to show your eco-lovin' friend that you respect their decision and the reasons behind it. A wet bag is a fantastic way to wrap any of the gifts on this list!
What is a "wet bag"?
A wet bag is a waterproof bag (usually zippered) that can be used to store dirty cloth diapers until it's time to wash them. A wet bag can be used to line a diaper pale, too. After Baby's outgrown diapers, a wet bag remains useful! You can use them in the kitchen to store wet rags or soiled bibs. Toss one in the glove box of your car for any moist stuff you don't want all over your seats. When we travel, we bring wet bags to store our swimwear and beach items! Our daughters will be taking small wet bags to keep their toiletries separated and clean when they head off to camp this summer. We've even used them as lunch bags on day trips to the zoo. Hikers get a ton of use out of a well-constructed wet bag.
My favorite wet bags are from Monkey Foot Designs and I always recommend purchasing the largest double-pocket bag that fits within your gift budget. Pro Tip: A wet bag does not have to match the rest of Baby's layette! Have some fun with it!
5. Cloth Diaper Wipes
Make 'em! If you've got a serger and some cotton flannel, you can make wonderful cloth diaper wipes. I chose to make my wipes 6"x6", but you can opt for larger or smaller ones if you'd like. I made mine with one side of cotton flannel and the other with terry cloth (cut up old towels that are getting ratty around the edges anyway! You'll get bonus points for recycling) but I will warn that terry cloth is a pain to sew. Your serger tension will need to be taken into account if you use terry.
After everything was said and done, I ended up using the cotton flannel side more.
If I make another batch, I'm going to just use three squares of cotton flannel for thickness
and forget all about the dreaded terry cloth. Tip: Choose busy designs. They hide stains!
6. Project Pomona Jeans B received his first pair of Pomonas before he was born. When they arrived, I looked at the adjustable snaps and the cuff at the bottom of the legs and questioned whether they would really fit a newborn. Imagine my surprise: Not only did they fit him as a newborn, he hasn't grown out of them yet!
Celebrating his birthday today at the zoo. See? They still fit great!
ADMIRE THE PROJECT POMONAS!
The same pair of pants has fit him for a full year and he's still got plenty of room to grow before he'll outgrow them! Project Pomona pants are made especially to fit over cloth diapers, but because of their custom fit snaps, they'll fit over any diaper and they will adjust as the baby grows. The stitching is strong and they've held together extremely well despite many, many, many washings.
Project Pomona has been kind enough to join our giveaway and will be sending our lucky winner a free pair of their brand new shorts!
These are the girly ones. Follow the link to see the
adorable prints for boys! Personally, I think I'll
be buying a pair of the skull & crossbones for Lil B.
7. Wool Dryer Balls Woolies are my personal favorite, but anything without a strong color will work. It's true: Cloth diapering means doing more laundry than you might otherwise. Wool dryer balls eliminate the need for dryer sheets and they do not contain any chemicals. They cut down on drying time, too! I bought mine for cloth diapers and now use them for everything.
8. Cloth-Safe Diaper Cream
Desitin and petroleum jelly are not friendly to cloth diapers. Pinstripes and Polkadots has the best rundown of cloth-safe diaper creams I've ever seen. Since I don't feel I can improve upon it, I'll refer you to their post: Choosing and Using Diaper Rash Ointments and Creams
9. Disposable Bamboo Liners
This may seem counter intuitive, but there's a reason for these little gems. After Baby starts solid foods, the messes in their diapers will change consistency. If you're using a disposable FLUSHABLE liner in each diaper, you can simply drop the liner in the toilet and flush the mess away.
Interesting fact: Did you know that even with disposable diapers you're not supposed to throw solid fecal matter in the garbage? These flushable liners are fantastic not just for their convenience, but also for their minimal impact on the environment. Zulily often has these on sale. Sign up for their site and keep an eye out for all sorts of cloth diapering deals. You can also find them here on Amazon.
10. Hemp Inserts
These are for overnight use. You can pop an extra insert into a pocket diaper and it'll help absorb more and keep baby dry during the night! Two of my best friends got me a set of hemp inserts for my baby shower and I have used them every week (except when we were traveling and used disposable diapers) since then! Thirsties inserts work great.
The moment you've all been waiting for:
Time to enter to win our fabulous prizes!
We once again would like to thank Spray Pal and Project Pomona
I have worked with dogs, cats, sloths, hedgehogs, birds, turtles...
I'm not picky.
I highly recommend not being picky.
Why?
Because it puts you in the perfect position to get to work with subjects you might never have considered otherwise. Working with new and varied subjects gives you a chance to hone your craft and try new techniques and editing options.
Lately, I've been lucky enough to work with some very talented costumers.
In their world, they're known as Cosplayers.
These were all shot last Saturday up at the Utah State Capitol building.
Each costume was made by the model wearing it.
This was the first session in a two part Final Fantasy 9 shoot.
These two were part of a Fruits Basket shoot that I wasn't scheduled to do.
My youngest daughter was set to model for the shoot and the photographer
didn't show up. I had just returned home from my sloth tour of Costa Rica and
I happened to have my Nikon with me.
I got to save the shoot by saying YES to opportunity.
If you've been following me for any length of time, you already know I'm a geek.
I set up my own Persona 4 shoot just so I could enjoy taking photos of characters I love.
It was great and it gave me a chance to try some new editing techniques and lighting design.
Katie is well-known in the cosplay community. I was very happy to help her
round out her cosplay portfolio with some photos for her parents.
Learn to say "YES" to opportunity!
You may find that it will take you exactly where you want to be.
Last year, I was honored to be asked to shoot the engagement photos for two of my very best friends in the entire world. Because I have been working hard to hone my skills and improve, I was able to provide them with the kind of art I could be proud of.
My friends were married on February 1, 2014 in California.
While some issues evolved from both of my cars breaking down and I was unable
to attend the ceremony in person, I am so happy that I was able to contribute
to their wedding invitations with this photo shoot.
I love my job
and I wouldn't be half as good
at it if I didn't say "YES!"
when opportunities to improve
present themselves.
I love this:
Every image in this post was created entirely by me between 2011 - 2014.
All rights reserved. Have a question about photography? Hop on down to the comments section and let me know! I'll do my best to answer as quickly as I can. I'm still learning, but I'm happy to share my experience with those who are interested. Thanks!
Most of all, I love doing things that help bring positive change to the world.
So of course, I really love this mala!
I met Linda through Kickstarter in early 2012. We both had projects to support our Artist in Residency work at the Sloth Sanctuary in Costa Rica. We both managed to find full funding. It was great and our friendship evolved as we shared our art with one another.
Last year for Mother's Day, Linda was doing a project where she made teddy bears for children in devastated areas. I ordered two. She sent cards explaining the project and I gave the cards to my Mom and Mom-in-Law. It was a huge hit.
Just before Valentine's Day, Linda introduced a new project: Malas to support an Anti-Human Trafficking Charity! From her Etsy page:
I ordered mine with a few other items from her site. When they arrived, I couldn't help but swoon. I took the above photo the same day and within hours, I'd been asked by several people where they could purchase their own Mala. Now, I'm working on ordering two more: One for my Mom and one for my eldest daughter. Linda's goal is to raise $1000 by March 15. This is a pretty amazing goal, but I believe we can help her reach it! She's already raised $420!
Please visit her Etsy page and share this post or link her page to your social media sites. Let's get the word out and do a little good by buying some fabulous new jewelry! Remember that this is the sort of thing that makes a wonderful gift and that Mother's Day is not as far off as we may tend to think.
2011: My first year volunteering for the Sundance Film Festival. I took as many volunteer hours as I could and I loved working at the Main Box Office and at the Broadway Theater. The volunteer jacket for this year was a sleeveless blue vest.
2012: My position was moved and I was able to be on the Theater Team for the Salt Lake City Library during it's first year of the festival! The bright tangerine jacket was my main jacket/coat for the rest of the year. It even traveled to Costa Rica with me.
2013: I nearly didn't volunteer for 2013, knowing I would be very pregnant at the time. The volunteer coordinator was quite eager to find a way to make it work, though, and I would rather not miss a year. In order to make it possible for me to volunteer, Abe volunteered, too. We were both assigned to the Main Box Office and we managed to work it out so we both have the exact same schedule. This way, he could drive me to and from my shifts and I always had someone with me who knew what was going on with me medically. The jackets for 2013 were the same cut and style as 2012's tangerine jackets. They have zip off/on sleeves that I love. The vest portion of the jacket is bright red and the sleeves are black.
2014: The jacket design from 2012 and 2013 returned, but the color changed. Ice blue for the vest and black detachable sleeves. Abe returned to the festival with me this year and we resumed our posts at the Main Box Office in Salt Lake City. Sundance Kids was introduced and we used our Locals Ticket window to order tickets for "Zip & Zap and the Marble Gang", "Life After Beth" (which we missed. Long story.), and "God Help the Girl". We took our daughters to Zip & Zap and they loved it! We stayed for the Q&A after the screening and were able to get a photo of our daughters with the director. Our eldest couldn't wait to get home and email her boyfriend about it.
My goal has been to serve 5 years with Sundance. I had somehow decided that this was my goal before I ever worked a single shift. There have been times when my personal life has tried to corrupt this goal, but it's never succeeded. I've never called in sick. I've never been more than 10 minutes late (and both times I was 10 minutes late were due to unforeseen parking issues. Welcome to the festival!) I've never wanted to pawn off my work while I've been on shift. This is not because I'm some sort of saint: It's because Sundance treats their volunteers well. I've never felt unappreciated. I've made friends that I adore. In fact, now that the next festival will be the end of my 5 year mental commitment, I can safely say that I'd be comfortable serving another 5, 10, or even 20 years - as long as we're living in Utah.
My Sundance FAQs: 1. Do you get paid?
No. I receive benefits (like film vouchers) for my hours served. Which benefits I receive are decided by how many hours I work. Volunteers can work as few as 24 hours and as many... well... I've never heard a full-time volunteer complain that they don't get to work enough. All volunteers receive their exclusive volunteer jacket (which they get to keep) and a selection of other items that can change from year to year. Every year that I've volunteered we've had Brita as a sponsor and they've provided us with wonderful water bottles. Sundance and Brita work together to help eliminate plastic water bottle waste by encouraging volunteers to use their Brita bottles during their shifts. L'oreal is another repeat sponsor. They've given us things like mascara and nail polish in the past. We never know for certain what we'll get. This year, they had a lipstick vending machine in the Volunteer Hub up in Park City! You'd just tweet with the code displayed on the digital screen on the machine... and POP! out comes a free lipstick. Super cool promotion!
L'oreal offered free mini makeovers including hair and makeup in Park City throughout the festival.
They also offered free nail polish for people who tagged them in Instagram posts.
2. Do you get to see free movies?
They ask us not to answer these questions (in part because different people answer the question differently, causing confusion) but I'm going to do my best. This goes back to those vouchers I mentioned in my last answer. We are compensated based upon the hours we serve. Sometimes we are able to see films with our vouchers. Sometimes we can earn very special vouchers for our friends and family (This is NOT common and it takes a ton of hours, so don't ask a friend for vouchers. Seriously. Don't do it.) Full time volunteers are eligible for special passes, too. Here's the big thing, though: A volunteer with a pass is NEVER going to take your seat. Sundance cares about their patrons and every volunteer knows that they can be bumped from a screening. The festival organizers work hard to help us see films, but that doesn't always mean that we're attending regular festival screenings. We have occasional free volunteer screenings. This year there were volunteer screenings of "The Babadook", "Dinosaur 13", and several other films. In addition to these screenings, locals (including volunteers) can pick up Best of Fest tickets. These tickets are released to the public before the festival and are good for Best of Fest: A day of screenings the day after the festival has ended. The films are not chosen until late in the festival so you never know what you'll see! This year we saw "The Case Against 8" and "Whiplash" at Best of Fest.
None of this has stopped us from purchasing Locals tickets.
3. Do you get to hang out with celebrities?
Don't volunteer to hang out with celebrities, please. It does happen, but that's not why we are a part of the festival. Yes, I have stories I could tell. I had coffee with Bobby Kennedy, Jr. during my first year as a volunteer. I was in the wings during the Q&A with the director of "The Raid 2" this year.
I took this for him after he mentioned he didn't have many festival photos to show his Mom.
But that's not why I do this. In fact, my favorite Sundance stories often involve other volunteers or the absence of celebrities. Our 2012 screening of "West of Memphis" was on the night that Damien Echols got snowed in up in Park City and couldn't make the scheduled Q&A. Several people had poor attitudes about this, but as Abraham and I walked back to our car, we watched the snow fall and discussed how beautiful it must be for Damien to be in one of the most beautiful resorts in the world with his wife during this storm. After all those years behind bars for a crime he didn't commit, he could be free to spend this time with his wife. How could we be upset?
4. What's your favorite movie?
Sundance or otherwise? I'm pretty sure my favorites are mostly Sundance films anyway. I don't know that I can pick just one, but I'll list a few of my ultimate must-watch films:
In my last post regarding Asiri, I quoted my friend Jasmine Staff. Jasmine is in Asiri and sees the need for this maternity clinic firsthand every day. My words cannot bring the light that this campaign needs; not the way hers can. So forgive me, but the bulk of this post will be her words.
"Two days ago there was a funeral in the
village for a 22 year old Asiri girl who died from a botched abortion.
The same day I helped deliver a healthy baby girl - Ama - in the dark on
the floor of the TBA's home.
Both of these situations can
be prevented or changed for the better. The girl could have employed
family planning methods, thus preventing pregnancy and her death. The
baby could have been born in a clean, well-lit, stocked clinic under the
supervision of a doctor and trained midwife. This is the reality that
Asiri's maternity clinic will create once it's built."
I cannot ignore this. My plan had been to avoid writing and publishing this post until we were down to 4 or 5 days remaining - believing that the urgency at that point would help convince people to make their pledge to the campaign immediately. After all, how many times do we see a Kickstarter or Indigogo campaign and tell ourselves, "I'll do it later. It's still got 20 days.", right? But I can't do that. People are dying.
Please visit the campaign and pledge what you can. There is just one week left and they still need almost $9000 in pledges. Think ahead: What about that friend or loved one who is IMPOSSIBLE to shop for? They're going to have a birthday at some point over the next 12 months. What about Christmas or any other gift giving occasion? Plan ahead and buy a killer gift from this campaign. Write a note about how this gift made a big difference in the lives of others and include it when you give the gift. It'll mean so much to the person receiving it. Charity is definitely the best gift for the person who already has everything.
What's the point of blogging if you can't expose your weaknesses on the days when your victories are buried beneath them? May as well let it all hang out...
I'm a confident mother, but if there's one thing that shakes my faith in my parenting skills, it's my eldest daughter's Autism. It brings out the things I have yet to learn; it showcases my impatience and my frustrations. Recently, a couple of friends were over at the house and the discussion turned to rites of passage and ear piercing. Zoey said that she wanted her ears pierced; she just wasn't keen to "all that pain". This did not sit well with me. My guests and I went out of our way to explain how temporary and slight the pain would be - that if she wanted her ears pierced, she should do it and accept that the pain would pass quickly. Our friends even went so far as to promise to go with her and to support her through it. She lit up and her decision was made.
Within a week, we found ourselves at the mall with my mother. I walked into Icing (which is like Claire's) looking for a hair accessory and Zoe saw the "Free Ear Piercing" sign. I told her that we could do it now if she wanted. She agreed. I asked her if she was certain; she was.
Or, at least, she was until we had everything set up and it was too late to turn back without forfeiting both the $50 for the sapphire earrings she'd selected and, much worse, sacrificing the tiny bit of bravery she's worked so hard to find within herself.
I had to beg, plead, and generally make a devil of myself in order to work our way through it, but we survived. I know that poor sales girl had thoughts of calling mall security to report me. I must have sounded like a mad woman. By the end, I was cradling Zoe's head in my hand with my face pressed hard against hers, whispering in a near yell, "Don't you let it make your decisions for you. You're so close. Don't let it take this from you." while she cried back at me, "I'm not brave. I'm not brave at all."
It broke my heart.
If she weren't an exceptional child and an exceptionally brave one, to boot, I doubt I would mind. But she is. She is so many wonderful things and the bravery she has shown when facing adversity? Oh forget about it! If I ever manage to grow up, I want to be just like my Zoey. We lose pieces of her life to Autism. It's unavoidable. There are things we must grieve. There are days when I'm reminded that she might never move away from home. I love having her near, but I mourn the life that she will miss by hanging on to us. In that moment at the mall, I experienced my own fears. I could not let her fail. It wasn't my battle to win or lose, but I could not accept the loss. I broke. I started making threats. They were empty and we both knew it. "I'll just have to hold you down and force it. You know I can.", "You don't want to have to tell people that you chickened out.", "You'll have to work off the money we wasted on those earrings by scrubbing the bathrooms clean with a toothbrush." I became an ugly person. As much as I wasn't myself, I have to admit that the ugly person I became is a part of who I am. Sometimes it's all too much and I can't just let it be. I struggle to identify with the girl my daughter is when she struggles.
9 days have passed and the pain has subsided. She loves having her ears pierced and looks forward to wearing matching earring and necklace sets. She's forgiven me. I have yet to forgive myself. I will find a way to work through it and accept my own apology, but it will take time. In the meantime, I will go out of my way at every opportunity to let her know how proud I am of her. 9 days ago I told her that bravery is not the absence of fear, but rather the decision to succeed in the face of fear. It's my task now to remind her of that and to remind her that she did show bravery; that she is brave.
There are so many things that Autism can take from us, but it can't take the bravery she has already shown. It's a small, dirty victory, but it's a victory. I'll take it.
______________________________________
I'm willing to accept whatever judgements people may have for me. I've been facing them for 12 years. I know that I'm doing my best and that as much as people may think they know what this struggle is like, unless they've raised a child on the spectrum themselves, they don't know. They can't. And that's good. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
All I ask is this: Before you post a hateful or angry comment, please go to THIS LINK and try to understand that Autism has many faces and almost none of them are what you may think. Thank you.
This morning I had a conversation with a good friend about whether or not I needed to obtain a state ID for my infant before we travel. She assured me that his birth certificate would be plenty of ID and I replied that this was a relief because the idea of taking an infant to the DMV sounds like about as much fun as trying to milk a bear. At the time, the imagery was a touch amusing and incredible appropriate. As the day as developed, however, it’s become more of a tragic summary of the rest of my morning.
Doing anything during a flare up of a neurological disorder: Difficulty: Milking a Bear.
First bear of the day came when I went to my doctor’s appointment to address the aforementioned neurological disorder. The short version: Over the past couple of days, my entire body has been in excruciating pain that does not respond to pain medication at all. Imagine sticking a fork in an electrical outlet... all day... while exclusively breastfeeding a ravenous 4 month old... and trying to relaunch your business... while you’re dieting. I had good reason to want a solution for the pain. Unfortunately, because I’m exclusively breastfeeding, my options are few. Temporary plan: Draw blood. Test urine. Pray surgery isn’t needed. Okay. Fine. Let’s do this.
Having blood drawn by a new (and nervous) phlebotomist when you have a rare blood disorder: Pain Level: Milking an Angry Bear.
The line for the blood lab was long, but not new to me. Having a rare blood disorder means getting used to lines for labs. It’s pretty common. I called my mother (who was kind enough to watch my children - thus saving me from having to wrangle monkeys while dealing with bears) to tell her to go ahead and use some of the frozen breastmilk in the freezer because I was going to be stuck waiting for awhile. When I was called back, I sat down, exposed my arm, explained that the largest vein rolls to the right and the details of my blood disorder. The poor girl almost started crying. I could tell it wasn’t just me - her day had been full of bears, too. Cranky, hungry bears. I told her I was used to needles and I’d be fine. No worries. Except that her nerves led her to jab a needle into two of my nerves and then to push through the vein, miss the vein, and dig around before finally finding a vein that would work. I didn’t want to make her day worse, so I tried to meditate my way through it. I think I would have been convincing if tears hadn’t started silently running down my face after she hit the second nerve.
Accidentally driving past a major PTSD trigger: Stress Level: Trying not to Remember a Previous Day Full of Bears.
Someday I’ll elaborate on this. Not today. Someday. For today, I’ve already thought about it too much.
Picking up restricted medication without your ID: Difficulty: Trying to Find an Invisible Bear.
I got to the grocery and dropped off my prescription. I set about picking up a few groceries while I waited for it to be filled and felt like death as someone else’s baby screamed for 15 minutes in the check out. Let me be clear: I have no problems with babies crying. But when you’re breastfeeding and you should have been home an hour ago for a feeding? Not good. Any baby cries and BOOM. You’ve got a shirt covered in milk and a small amount of pain while you try to make it stop. After checkout, I thought I was home free. Got to the rx pick up window and... no drivers license. I realized my husband has been holding it for me since Tuesday.
Driving home during a PTSD-related anxiety attack without the medication you were supposed to pick up and without your drivers license: Difficulty: Trying to Avoid Police (or, as truckers tend to call them over the CB, Bears).
Long story short, I made it. I nearly burst into tears upon entering my house, but I made it.
On days like this, I miss Xanax and weekly therapy.
Long Live Motherhood! (I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.)
